Toxic relationships: science shows how they damage your health (they age you!), especially when they come from family

Toxic relationships, especially long-term ties like those with family, can make you age prematurely and raise the risk of chronic diseases: this is how conflict-ridden bonds affect your health....

Table of Contents

1. How a conflictive relationship can add months to your biological age
2. What happens to your body when you live with conflictive people
3. Why close conflictive people harm your health more
4. Signs that a relationship is literally making you sick
5. How to protect your health when you can’t avoid conflictive people
6. Frequently asked questions about conflictive people, aging, and chronic diseases

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Did you know a single conflictive person in your life can add up to nine extra months to your biological age? Yes, as if your body said, “With this person around, I might as well age fast and skip the drama” 😅.

It’s not just a metaphor. Several recent studies show that problematic relationships accelerate biological aging and increase the risk of chronic diseases, from heart problems to cognitive decline.

In this article I explain, from psychology and science, how connecting with conflictive people makes you sick, what happens in your cells, and what you can do to protect yourself without having to move to a desert island 🏝️.

How a conflictive relationship can add months to your biological age

A recent paper published in the scientific journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) analyzed the impact of negative relationships on health. The results are as clear as they are worrying:

• Adding a conflictive relationship can add up to nine months to your biological age.


• The rate of aging may increase by around 1.5%.


• On average, each negative tie would amount to about 2.5 extra months of “internal aging.”

Cardiologist and communicator Eric Topol highlighted these findings because they go beyond “you feel emotionally bad.” Scientists managed to measure these effects at the molecular level.

How did they do it?

• They used epigenetic clocks, tools that calculate biological age according to certain chemical marks on your DNA.


• They analyzed patterns of DNA methylation, a kind of “switches” that turn genes related to longevity and disease on or off.


• They compared people with and without frequent conflictive ties.

Result

Those who regularly related to conflictive people showed clear changes in those epigenetic marks, consistent with faster biological aging.

In other words, your body records fights, abuse, constant criticism, and tension. And it does so not in poetry, but in DNA.

Suggested reading: Signs of a toxic friendship: how to distance yourself

What happens to your body when you live with conflictive people

In psychology we’ve always talked about “relational stress.” But now we know with considerable precision what happens to your body when you remain amid chronic conflicts 😓.

Recent studies and my clinical experience agree on several key points.

1. Chronic inflammation increases

People who live with harmful ties more often show:

• Elevated inflammation markers in blood tests.


• A higher risk of multimorbidity, that is, multiple chronic diseases at the same time.

In practice I’ve seen patients who, after years of enduring humiliation from a boss or a relative, develop:

• Resistant hypertension.


• Chronic digestive disorders.


• Muscle pains that don’t respond well to treatment.

When we begin working on boundaries and, in some cases, emotional distance, I don’t exaggerate when I say their body started to improve before their self-esteem did.

2. Telomeres shorten

Telomeres are structures that protect the ends of chromosomes. Their shortening is linked to:

• Faster cellular aging.


• Higher risk of cardiovascular disease.


• Worse immune response.

The chronic stress produced by toxic ties contributes to these telomeres shortening sooner. It’s as if your cells say, “With this level of drama, I won’t make it to retirement.”

3. The immune system becomes unbalanced

Sociologist Byungkyu Lee’s team and other researchers observed that people exposed to more negative relationships showed:

• Poorer regulation of the immune system.


• Greater vulnerability to infections.


• A higher probability of suffering multiple pathologies simultaneously.

This matches what many patients report

“Since I live with my aggressive brother-in-law, I get sick constantly.” “Since I’ve been in this relationship, I live with migraines.” None of that is coincidental.

Suggested reading: These traits are common in a toxic romantic relationship

Why close conflictive people harm your health more

Not all negative relationships impact equally. Research and clinical practice show that it matters who the conflictive person is and how you relate to them.

1. Problematic family, greater wear

Byungkyu Lee’s team at New York University detected something very interesting

• Conflictive relationships with close family members, other than a partner, prove especially harmful.

Think of

• A father or mother who criticizes everything.


• A sibling who ridicules and competes.


• An adult child who is constantly aggressive.

Why do they affect so much?

• Because contact is often obligatory, you can’t simply “stop seeing them” without an emotional or social cost.


• Because there is a bond of loyalty, which makes setting boundaries difficult.


• Because those people have known your weak points forever.

In therapy I often see something like this

The person tolerates things they would never accept from a stranger. But the price, in terms of physical and mental health, accumulates like a debt with interest.

2. “Frenemies” and ambivalent relationships

The most dangerous relationships are sometimes not the clearly bad ones, but the ambivalent ones, the famous “frenemies” 😬.

Research linked to universities like Utah shows that these relationships, where you don’t know if the person supports you or betrays you, cause:

• Constant low-level but sustained stress.


• More psychological wear than openly negative relationships, which at least you can avoid.


• Greater impact on cardiovascular health.

As one researcher explained, the same person who hugs you today may ridicule you tomorrow. That unpredictability exhausts the nervous system.

3. Who is more likely to surround themselves with conflictive people

The PNAS study observed that certain groups are more exposed to problematic ties

• Women who take on more caregiving burden and keep the peace at the expense of themselves.


• People who smoke daily.


• Those who already perceive their own health as poor.


• People with adverse childhood experiences, such as violence or neglect.

In practice I often see a pattern

Those who grew up in violent or chaotic environments learn to “normalize” conflict. As adults, they often choose, without realizing it, partners, bosses, and friends who repeat that level of distress. Their body, meanwhile, pays that bill.

Signs that a relationship is literally making you sick

You may be wondering, “How do I know if a relationship is adding biological years or if it’s just a personality difference?”

These signs usually trigger the alarms.

1. Your body protests every time you see that person

• You feel tightness in the chest, a lump in the throat, or stomach pain before or after seeing them.


• You have trouble sleeping the night before a planned meeting.


• You notice muscle tension in your neck, jaw, or back when interacting.

2. You come away emotionally drained

• You feel guilty about small or senseless things.


• You keep replaying the conversation for hours.


• You constantly question your worth or your judgment.

3. Your physical health destabilizes in parallel

• Existing conditions worsen, like migraines or irritable bowel.


• New symptoms appear without a clear medical explanation.


• Doctors tell you “stress doesn’t help your case.”

In my talks I usually invite people to do this exercise

Think of the three people you spend the most time with or interact with most. Does your body relax when you imagine them or tense up?

Your body responds before your rational mind. And it’s rarely wrong.

How to protect your health when you can’t avoid conflictive people

I wish there were a button to erase toxic people like you delete contacts from your phone 😅. In real life there’s family, work, neighborhood, and economic factors. You can’t always cut the tie, but you can reduce its impact on your health.

1. Limit exposure, even gradually

• Reduce interaction time whenever you can.


• Avoid being alone if the person tends to become more aggressive in private.


• Choose neutral spaces for meetings, like public places.

A patient with a very conflictive relative couldn’t break the bond abruptly. We started with something simple

• Shortening calls.


• More structured, less spontaneous visits.


• Going for a walk after each meeting to release tension.

Their blood pressure began to improve along with their sense of control.

2. Set clear boundaries

Your body suffers when you don’t set boundaries. Some phrases that can help

• I won’t continue this conversation if you shout at me.


• I understand you think differently, but I won’t accept insults.


• If you keep speaking in that tone, we’re done for today.

Will the other person get angry?

Probably yes. But your health is worth more than their comfort.

3. Strengthen your positive relationships

The good news

Healthy ties also show up in your cells 💚.

Psychologist Alex Haslam, from the University of Queensland, explains that feeling part of a group protects you

• It improves immune response.


• It reduces the risk of cognitive decline.


• It cushions the impact of interpersonal stress.

Science shows that social isolation can be as harmful as obesity or physical inactivity. So it’s not just about distancing conflictive people, but also about:

• Finding groups where you feel accepted.


• Caring for nourishing friendships.


• Allowing others to help you, not only giving support.

4. Work on your personal history

If you grew up surrounded by violence, criticism, or neglect, you may today

• Have difficulty recognizing when a relationship harms you.


• Tolerate levels of conflict others would find unacceptable.

Psychological therapy helps you:

• Detect patterns in choosing harmful partners or friends.


• Change the way you talk to yourself.


• Relearn what it means to feel safe in a relationship.

When someone tells me in a session “I think I’m exaggerating, my partner only criticizes me when they’re in a bad mood,” I usually answer something very simple

“Your body doesn’t exaggerate. Your tests, your insomnia, and your anxiety tell a different story.”

Frequently asked questions about conflictive people, aging, and chronic diseases

Can a single person really affect my health that much?

Yes. The PNAS study estimates several extra months of biological age per conflictive relationship. And when you have several such people close by, the effect accumulates. Some experts compare this biological burden to smoking in terms of impact on life expectancy.

What kinds of diseases are associated with these negative ties?

Scientific and clinical data point to a higher risk of

• Cardiovascular disease.


• Metabolic problems.


• Autoimmune disorders.


• Cognitive decline.


• Anxiety and depressive disorders.

Does compensating with positive relationships help?

Yes. Positive social support protects. It doesn’t completely erase the damage of chronic stress, but it reduces it. That’s why it’s so important to

• Balance your social network.


• Spend more time with people who make you feel good.


• Seek spaces of authentic belonging.

Is it selfish to distance myself from conflictive family members?

Selfish is asking your body to pay with health to sustain dynamics that harm you. Putting distance is sometimes necessary, even if it hurts. You can care without destroying yourself. You can help without allowing abuse.

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If there’s one thing I want you to take away from all this, it’s the following

Your cells listen to your relationships. Your telomeres, your immune system, and your heart receive the impact of every hostile conversation and every healing bond.

Taking care of who you relate to isn’t an emotional whim; it’s a health and longevity strategy 🧬.

And if right now you think of someone and feel your body tense, don’t ignore it. Maybe there isn’t only an emotional problem there, but also a piece of your physical future at stake.

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