7 things a toxic relationship will teach you about love

Don't give up! There are many life lessons about real love that can be learned from unhealthy relationships.

These lessons will set you up for success when you find the right person.

But what kind of lessons do you learn?

Some of them may not be the first thing you think of when looking for true love, but they are important.

Here are 7 love lessons you can learn from toxic relationships.

Red flags are signals that there is something bad ahead. Sometimes they are clear, sometimes they are not.

Often, we ignore them. And when we do, disasters happen.

What can a red flag look like in a relationship?

Some are subtle. Perhaps he talks a lot about his ex or has a bad relationship with his mother.

Maybe he has not been able to keep a job. Maybe he refuses to talk about something difficult.

Some are more obvious. You may say that you don't want a serious relationship or that children are out of the question.

Maybe he will tell you that this friend of yours has to go.

The thing about red flags in relationships is that we often see them and ignore or justify them.

Hopefully, unhealthy relationships will help you recognise that these red flags can be accurate and that, if you had paid attention to them at the beginning, you could have saved yourself a lot of pain.

One lesson that can be learned from being in a toxic relationship is what not to do next time.

Many of us have behaviours that we repeat in every relationship and many of us are in serially toxic relationships because of it.

For many people, we tend to personalise things that happen in a relationship.

If our boy comes home late, it is because we are not wanted.

If they don't put away the laundry, they don't respect us. If they forget our birthday, we are not important to them.

And while in some cases these things may be true, most of the time the things people do have nothing to do with the other person, but have to do with misjudgement and negligence.

So don't take things personally: it's not all about you. Another thing people tend to do in unhealthy relationships is to be passive-aggressive and antagonistic.

Instead of confronting a problem head-on, many of us make snide, sarcastic remarks, hoping that our discontent will be heard and acted upon.

Moreover, we keep insisting on an issue, making a thousand cuts, to the point that our partner no longer cares about our concerns.

These are just two behaviours that derail many relationships. There are others.

Take a good look at your role in this relationship: unhealthy relationships are rarely caused by one person's behaviour. Find out what yours are and take note.

Have you ever been in a troubled relationship and tried to save it by supporting it?

Many of us, especially women, believe that if we support our person, the relationship will stick.

If we are patient while our partner works late or hold her hand when she feels insecure about something that happened at the gym or look the other way when she has that third vodka after dinner, we believe that she will notice us and stay in love with us.

And that, perhaps, their problem behaviours will change.

Unfortunately, this "support" is more like "enablement", and enablement is not good in any relationship.

If you keep looking the other way when your partner gets drunk or ignores you because of work or yells at you because of their own insecurities, you are telling your partner that their behaviours are okay.

And if your partner believes that his or her behaviours are okay, he or she will never change.

If your partner has behaviours that make you unhappy, stop supporting them. Either talk about them or leave.

One of the clearest lessons to be learned from bad relationships is what you really want in a partner.

Even if we cling to toxic people, we begin to see their flaws very clearly and can therefore get a sense of what we would ideally want if we were in charge of the world.

I had a guy I loved but who was desperately insecure, who wanted to please everyone, who had a quick temper, who lived with a ton of fear and who was in and out of jobs. I loved him, but he suffered.

When I finally got out of that relationship, I started looking for a guy who knew who I was, who was patient, kind and stable.

It was very clear to me and in the end I found what I was looking for.

So what do you want in a partner? Make a list, write it down and refer to it often.

I can't tell you how many of my clients who struggle to let go of love in toxic relationships tell me that they don't walk away because they don't want to give up. That they don't give up.

And I always tell them the same thing: that there are two people in a relationship and that as long as you are the only one making an effort, or that the efforts you both make don't work, then it's not about giving up.

You can only control your own efforts - only you can finish that marathon - but you cannot control someone else.

It is not giving up if your partner is not also giving his or her all.

So, if you are struggling to "give up", don't! Know that you can let go of a love that doesn't serve you and move on with your head held high, knowing that you have done all you can.

Those of us who have survived unhealthy relationships (which virtually all of us do in the end) know how strong we are.

By having the strength to let go of a love that did not serve you, you are reclaiming your own power, a power you may have lost in the struggle that was your bad relationship.

Talk to someone who has escaped a bad situation and you will see someone who may be sad, maybe really sad, but someone who feels powerful for having been able to do it.

Leaving unhealthy relationships behind is incredibly difficult; do it and you will feel stronger than ever.

One thing that can become very clear when you are in a toxic relationship is that it is much better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you miserable.

There is nothing worse than the daily suffering of being in a toxic relationship.

You wake up with it, it lives with you all day long and is there when you go to bed at night.

Sure, when you're alone you can spend your time on the couch watching Game of Thrones, but your time is your own.

You can do whatever you want. And, even if you feel miserable about being alone, I can promise you that it's not as miserable as you might feel if you spend your days struggling with bad relationships.

Learning the lessons of love from unhealthy relationships is a key part of finding love and happiness.

The aim is not to repeat history, neither in work, nor in parenting, nor in behaviour, nor in relationships.

The aim is to learn from our mistakes and move forward to find success in the future.

So, take a good look at all the bad relationships you have had in your life and take stock of the lessons you have learned so that you can do things differently in the future.

You can do it! True love is out there waiting for you!