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8 communication skills that every happily married couple knows

Married life is not what you thought it would be. But you don't know how to communicate effectively with your spouse about the things that make you a couple....
Author: Alegsa
06-05-2021







  1. 1. Be honest about your wishes
  2. 2. Create security
  3. 3. Accept differences
  4. 4. Listen with intention
  5. 5. Ask open-ended questions
  6. 6. Timing, timing, timing is everything
  7. 7. Don't expect (or pretend) to be a mind reader.
  8. 8. Be the spouse you want

Married life is not what you thought it would be.

You talk about work. You talk about the children. You talk about rush hour traffic.

But you don't know how to communicate effectively with your spouse about the things that make you a couple.

You live in the same house, sleep in the same bed and share the same anniversary.

And yet communication in your marriage has lost its lustre and your intimacy is paying the price.

When did your fervour for mutual self-disclosure and exchange of secrets become "superficial" and "just the facts"?

If you recognise your marriage in the above description, you are far from alone.

Every couple can remember the early days of courtship and honeymoon: the time when there was only one person in the world whose thoughts mattered.

What attracts couples to each other and forges their "I have to spend the rest of my life with you" bond is what is most easily lost.

You might think that couples put everything worthwhile on the table before they get married.

Apparently, it becomes the "price of entry" to the dream of marital bliss.

Over time, however, that commitment is taken for granted.

The stories that made your partner so fascinating at one time now become a nuisance when repeated.

And when children and work make you feel you need to add extra pages to your diary, it is natural to cut back on non-essentials.

Without warning, you are left without knowing how to get your spouse to communicate with you.

Unfortunately, the perception of "the essentials" is confused with the monotony of daily responsibilities.

It is also buried under the weight of unfinished emotional "stuff" that is brought into the marriage.

And before you know it, intimacy - the real emotional intimacy that trumps sexual intimacy - lifts off the accelerator and comes to a halt.

In an interview on how wives can get their husbands to open up, Pastor Kevin Thompson shares an important perspective on men.

She says that one of the most constant complaints she receives from women is that men don't talk.

The surprising reality, she says, is that men want to talk more than they do. They really want the connection of intimacy.

Whether you're the husband or the wife, here are 8 ways to sharpen your communication skills in marriage and improve your intimacy.


1. Be honest about your wishes

Do you really want your spouse to talk more... or listen more?

Good and effective communication is a healthy reciprocity of both.

But if you feel excluded from the potential of your marriage because of poor communication, it is important to be honest about your needs.

Women who complain that their husbands don't talk often really want their husbands to listen to them.

Not just listen in one ear and listen in the other, but listen with your heart.


2. Create security

Anything can be shared when the sharing environment is safe.

That's why working with a therapist can make so much progress when you don't know how to get your spouse to communicate.

Lack of communication is often a sign of fear.

Therefore, it is imperative that you never, ever use your spouse's words against him or her. You vowed to love, protect and care.

When and how did you think you would have to live these vows if not when you communicate?

Be your spouse's safe place. Take good care of your spouse's heart and see what emerges when you do.


3. Accept differences

We can joke all day long about how different men and women are. But if we don't learn from the differences and apply the lessons, we are just wasting valuable information.

When it comes to communication, men and women not only have different styles, but also different needs.

Women crave empathy, men crave respect. And their communication styles reflect these differences.

Wives, it may be natural for you to maintain eye contact during conversations.

You may also weave your conversations, sometimes overlapping or intervening in a cooperative way.

Men, you may feel more comfortable talking while doing something - walking, fishing, gardening.

Sitting face to face can create tension, so sitting next to each other and taking turns in conversation can be more comfortable.

The important thing is that each seeks to understand the other. Learn your partner's love language... and speak it.


4. Listen with intention

Listening is not a waiting game. It is a learning mission.

You are looking for information to help you know and love your spouse more intimately.

You will not observe or hear the nuances of the information if you simply wait for your spouse to stop talking so you can say what you want to say.

Listen in silence. Listen with compassion. Listen without judgement. Do not override, pounce, or fill in the gaps of silence.

Even reassuring comments can stop your partner's flow and their confidence in the safety of the conversation.

If you don't know how to get your spouse to communicate with you, work on being a good listener. Just. Listen.

Your spouse is giving you a gift of vulnerability. Treat her with care. Learn. And be grateful.


5. Ask open-ended questions

"Are you OK?" will probably get you to respond with "Yes". "How did you feel listening to the Clarks talk about their retirement?" opens the door to a real discussion.

By asking open-ended questions, you are more likely to learn how much your spouse wants to share.


6. Timing, timing, timing is everything

Don't bring up thorny issues when you are both tired. Communication succeeds when both partners put their minds to it.

Be considerate of each other and choose the right moment.


7. Don't expect (or pretend) to be a mind reader.

The "he should know" or "she can work it out" sets your relationship up for failure, especially when there are expectations associated with assumptions.

It is incredibly unfair not to take responsibility for communicating what you want or need if you expect the other person to deliver.

Inevitably, your spouse will not read your mind correctly, and you will both end up resenting each other.

In The Four Agreements, the agreement that is considered most transformative is the agreement not to make assumptions.

And mind-reading falls into the category of making assumptions.


8. Be the spouse you want

The adage that "you teach people how to treat you" joins the Golden Rule in this advice.

Model the behaviour you want from your spouse. Take the risk of being the first to do the right thing.

Listen longer. Make the assurance unequivocal. Speak the love language of your spouse.

Set your relationship up for success by expecting only from yourself and trusting that your spouse will respond in kind.

Learning to get your spouse to communicate with you has less to do with your spouse and everything to do with you.

After all, you are the only one in control.

Being aware of the importance of communication leads to good and healthy communication skills in all your relationships.

Such awareness opens the door to intention, which then lays the foundation for positive behavioural changes.

Make healthy communication a priority. It can revitalise, reinvent - and even save - your marriage.



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I am Alegsa

I have been writing horoscope and self-help articles professionally for over 20 years.


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