Why does someone stop talking to you when they are angry? The answer according to psychology

If your answer is yes, you are not alone. No one escapes the uncomfortable world of post-fight silences, and believe me, there is much more behind that muteness than just a simple tantrum.

Why do we stay silent when we argue?

I have heard dozens of stories in consultations about couples, friends, or coworkers who, after a small conflict, decide to turn off the radio and put the air on “mute” mode. Now, have you ever wondered if that silence is for peace or for a cold war? Here comes the famous “better not talk until I calm down.” Many times we hide our emotions like someone hides a holey sock: hoping no one will notice.

Psychology tells us that, after a conflict, sometimes we feel that silence protects us from greater harm. It’s like hitting “pause” on a video game because you need to catch your breath. It’s a one hundred percent human defensive act. But beware: it can also become a dangerous tool if we use it too much.

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Silence: shield or sword?

Here’s where it gets complicated! Some use silence just to cool down the situation, but others take this stillness as a form of punishment: “I won’t talk to you so you learn your lesson.” The famous “cold treatment” can leave the other person with a head full of questions: “Was what I did really that bad?” “Why did they cut off communication like that?”

I have seen people in consultations, especially those with low frustration tolerance or difficulties processing anger, turn silence into their comfort zone. And although age has little to do with it, sometimes it seems like teenage drama in adult bodies, don’t you think?

Emotions in command

Tell me, does that feeling of freezing because you don’t know what to say after an awkward moment sound familiar? Many people never learned to put words to their annoyance, so when danger arises, they turn off their voice like someone turns off the TV. But the truth is, behind that silence, there may be insecurity, fear of rejection, or simply not knowing what the heck to do with the anger.

A curious fact: in Eastern cultures, silence is sometimes considered a sign of wisdom or self-control, but in the West, we associate it more with punishment or disdain. The same pause, two different movies!

Let’s break the cycle: speak even if your voice trembles

I always tell my patients: silence doesn’t solve anything, it only prolongs the mystery. Have you ever thought that maybe the other person doesn’t even know why you went silent? Assertive communication is the best antidote to the poison of muteness. I remember a talk I gave at a company about conflict management; one of the attendees confessed that he used to stay mute for days until he learned two things that changed the whole story: speak when the internal hurricane has calmed down... and honestly say how the conflict affected him.

How about turning off the silence alarm and trying to use words, even if they’re clumsy, even if your voice trembles? Try it next time. Tell the person how the conflict made you feel. You’ll see that many times, just listening and being heard is the best way to rebuild the bridge.

Shall we try? After all, even silence has an expiration date. And you, do you already know what you want to say when the muteness ends?